Long Day
So many emotions today.
I took Raleigh to the airport in Charlotte this morning. His adventure has began. His future has started. Adulthood has taken him from me. He was accepted into the Peace Corps prior to graduation from Vassar College. His assignment is in Senegal (Western Africa).
I was so proud of him as he walked away from me standing so very tall.
I felt so old standing there immersed in 23 years of memories. Yes 23 years of so many passions and dreams. They all rolled right down my cheek in the form of tears.
Every parent has hopes that their child will make the right choices as they become adults – today he did. So many times we held our breath and prayed. So many times we jumped for joy. So many times we cried for and with him.
Today there were tears but they were for pride, for joy and for me.
I feel so old today as my life is on the downhill swing and his is only beginning. I hope he has lots of adventures and learning experiences. I am sure he will have many learning experiences as that’s who he is; a learner.
He is my pride and joy. He is my Heart.
My chest has pounded all day with so many emotions but he will be fine and so will I.
It will take me a while to recover from the empty space in my heart and in the house but I will. I am just old and this is a new rodeo for me. He was excited, apprehensive and sad all at the same time! He will do just fine.
I can see this big red headed guy laying in his hammock in the middle of his African Village in his bright colorful clothing. Do you think he will stand out? I smile as I think of this visual. He will also have a book or his Kindle in his hands. This I do know.
He has spent the summer with me waiting to leave. This has been the longest period of time he has been at home since he was a Sophomore in High School. We had a grand time this summer but yet it was so easy.
He is an adult and acted more like one than a child! He has such an old soul.
I completed my Cancer Treatment while he was home. He took such good care of me that it was as if the parent and child rolls were reversed.
As I go to sleep tonight I can say that we did good and he did great.
He made the right choices. It has been a long day.
Happiness is a Frosty
Today for the small price of $1.00 I purchased two (2) Chocolate Frosty’s. Should there be any other flavor choice? Of course not.
I had the Frosty’s bagged and off I went to a friends front porch. We sat and enjoyed a visit while indulging in the delights of the Frosty’s.
If I would have been in Marion IL I would have gone to the Dairy Queen and bought a bag of Dilly Bars. A Dilly Bar is a chocolate dipped ice cream on a stick and round in shape. Marion has two (2) Dairy Queens and yet I must drive at least 30 minutes to find one.
At least once a year I will take a road trip to the Dairy Queen in the next county over; however I must admit I always choose something much more decadent and rich than a simple Dilly Bar.
Today the Frosty’s provided an afternoon of inexpensive Happiness. It wasn’t a Dilly Bar but it was certainly a nice addition to the day.
Chocolate and Ice Cream and a Friend. Nice combination for Happiness.
My Boat Came in but the Ship has Sailed
How many times have you heard the saying “when my ship comes in”? At my age I have heard it in many times in different contexts.
Ive been waiting forever to hit the Lottery or to win the Readers Digest Sweepstakes; always waiting for the answer to my large dreams. As long as I have these dreams I have hope.
Hope is held in my heart as I look forward to something; anything.
Hope is a dream of a warm sunny beach as I am freezing my butt off in dead winter and there is no sign of Spring in sight.
Hope is wishing there is a Santa Claus that will magically appear and provide me with a bag of goodies and leave me jolly.
Hope is wishing I wasn’t lonely in a room full of people. Hope is wishing I wasn’t involved in a conversation where I hear nothing but noise.
Hope is wishing I could run away and had somewhere and someone to run to.
Hope is wishing I was 25 years old and could do it all again – just better.
So many of my hopes and dreams did come true.
So many boats did come in.
My God Son is the biggest boat of all. He gives me love and joy and has made me so proud of the man he has become.
I have been blessed with families in IL, SC and Italia. I have more brothers than the 3 that are genetically mine. I have more sisters than the one that I was raised with. I also have been blessed with inlaws; some have come and gone but they will always be my family.
My house is currently located in SC and I was raised in IL; however I don’t consider either Home.
There is another saying that Home is where the Heart is. I am searching for my Home, not another house.
I hope to find a place where my Heart belongs so I can go Home.
Love has come and gone for me two (2) times. I suppose I’ve been luckier than some.
I know that hope isn’t really about money, the lottery or even Santa Claus.
Hope has always been about not growing old.
Hope has always been about not having Cancer.
Hope has always been about not being alone.
My Hope is that I can find Peace.
My ship did come in and it didn’t sink.
It floated about nicely for awhile, but no more. It’s not my time now.
I’ve looked at maps and studied places around the world that are ideal to live; I am retired and can pick up and go anywhere.
What I’ve discovered is there is no place that is labeled Mo’s Home.
My sailing days are over. My ship is not coming in again.
I am sure there will be some smaller boats that will come and go.
Fortunately the seas aren’t rough and with a little Murphy luck they will stay calm as I look out and still dream of finding Home.
My advice to you is don’t let your ship slip away from its Homeport.
STRENGTH
As children my siblings and I learned many survival skills that eventually made us successful adults. We were raised in a time before Food Stamps and Free Lunches were available. I am not saying that we did not need these programs; we most certainly did. Our mother did the best she could with what she had, but some days it just wasn’t enough. I do recall thinking how nice it would be to have lunch money but that didn’t happen on a daily basis. One of my younger brothers was quite creative in making money for his lunch. That’s a story for another day.
All of us went to work at as soon as we were able to attain jobs. There was the paper route, bakery, BBQ house and eventually Pizza Hut and McDonald’s. We didn’t keep what we made for ourselves. Sharing was a natural way of life. Surviving is what we did on a daily basis. We lived day-to-day hoping to eat and stay warm in the winter.
New clothes and shoes didn’t happen. Fortunately we were always encouraged to read and do well in school. Our mother told us there was a better world than the one we were living in but we had to work for it. She was smart and well read but had made some poor choices in her own life.
She was strong but not strong enough. Our grandmother was the strength in our lives before and after our mother died. She had a firm hand for discipline but always an open door and a warm heart. She also had structure in her daily life which has proved to be a valuable tool to me as I live mine.
I have worked with and personally known many alcoholics and drug addicts. I can easily predict who will recover and make it and who will not. Until they hit rock bottom and find the strength to dig their own way out they will not succeed. Behind every addict and alcoholic there is at least one enabler.
They don’t need to recover as long as someone is there to pick up the pieces and fix it. They don’t have to be the survivor because someone else is left with the mess of surviving their behavior and handling the emotional stress that goes with it.
Our mother was the enabler in our house. Our father was the alcoholic. She wasn’t strong enough to let go until it was too late. We did survive the mess, emotional stress and the poverty. However, no child should ever be subjected to being around an alcoholic or an addict. We were only subjected to this as children but it is something we have lived and dealt with emotionally all of our lives.
We were not allowed the luxury of doing anything but surviving and finding a way out. Our parents died young and left us on our own too early in life. We had to find a way to make it. It certainly was not an easy road and many times some of us chose to make a wrong turn and had to backtrack and do it again. Our choices created consequences as well.
There were no insurance policies left behind or money to fight about. There was no property to split up. There was nothing left but memories. Not all the memories are bad, but they are certainly difficult.
We were instilled with a will and drive to live a longer and healthier life. We were told there was a better life and we found it. We also had a will to never be hungry again. We had no choice but to accept responsibility for each of our choices and actions. The will to survive has made each of us strong enough to live the better life our mother envisioned for us.
I am very passionate about teaching children of poverty. I am very giving to those in need and don’t understand those that don’t.
I am not sympathetic to the alcoholics and addicts that have someone fixing it for them.
Being a child of an alcoholic comes with a price as much as being a child of poverty. It’s not the alcoholic or the addict that society should worry about. It’s the children of these persons. It is the examples they set and the responsibilities they choose to ignore. Help the children.
Do not chalk these children off as losses to society. With the right drive, passion and strength they too can survive.
Change and Choice
My life goes through many changes everyday. Most are insignificant and go unnoticed. There are weeks that I will eat vegetables on Saturday instead of Sunday. I sometimes get an ice cream cone instead of a milkshake. Today I went to a different gas station than I usually do. These are simple changes to my daily routine. I never change my habit of having coffee first thing in the morning. Some things I can’t imagine changing.
However, there are days when I have been slammed with changes that I just can’t wrap my mind around. I have experienced too many of these throughout my many years.
I experienced the death of both parents when they were too young to die. I watched my mother age into an older woman when my 18 year old brother was sent to Vietnam as a Marine. I saw my grandmother agonize over losing her daughters before she died; this was not the natural order of life and death.
I have watched a very young man go through security at the airport on his way to Germany to find his way; all the time I was praying and hoping he would come back to us. He did. He made the necessary changes to his life.
I have watched a special friend pack up and leave to start a new life around the world, knowing that one day she would be assigned to a danger zone. She will soon report to Afghanistan.
In the past year my house mate and myself have both been diagnosed with Cancer. We have also lost 2 dogs and 2 cats during this time. These changes have changed the both of us significantly.
I do believe in many ways they have been positive. I must say it hasn’t all been pleasant, but we have been able to learn more from these experiences than we thought we could. As long we are capable of learning to accept change we are capable of seeing tomorrow.
We are now getting ready for a road trip! We have done many vacations and road trips in the past, but this one has a special excitement to it as we plan. The two (2) of us are going to drive to Washington DC and meet up with the other golden girl who will be in training for Afghanistan. We all will travel together to upstate New York for college graduation. Our young man will be graduating from Vassar College.
The most amazing statement above is probably that the two (2) of us are driving solo to Washington DC. We have never been responsible for the driving especially in a city. That in itself makes it an adventure.
It is no surprise to any of us that our young man (it took a small village) is completing his education. He set his goal and did what he needed to accomplish this. It’s all his. He owns it.
It is also no surprise to us that our friend is in training for Afghanistan; she has a passion and desire to succeed in her new career and will do what is necessary to accomplish this. She is finding her own way. We will hope and pray that she comes back to us safely.
Change is hard. We will make it to DC. and then all be proud as he walks across the stage to collect his diploma in NY. She will make it to Afghanistan after a short visit home.
More changes will continue to come our way. Our graduate will make his way to Africa via the Peace Corps. The two of us will end up back here in SC with each of them on different continents around the world.
We will continue our Cancer Treatments. We will not acquire any more pets.
We will celebrate their successes and be proud of both of them. We will miss them. Change is hard.
Change doesn’t haven’t to be bad.
Change isn’t necessarily good for everyone.
I tell everyone it’s hard on me because I’m old, but in all actuality change has always been tough for me; I’ve never been someone that accepted it easily.
I’ve had people tell me over and over to just accept it. When someone can find the answer that tells me how to do that I’ll gladly listen.
The only sure thing is that today is done and won’t come back to me.
Tomorrow is mine.
I like to say that I make choices based on what is best for me and others in my life. However, I am no different than anyone else. I can rationalize whatever choices I make and convince myself they are the right choices regardless of how they might change or affect others lives.
After all isn’t that what everyone does.
Choices create Change. Change is Hard.
IT’S ABOUT TIME
Everything I do is centered around time. What time do I need to be there? What time do I need to be up and ready to go? What time is lunch? What time is my appointment? What time is the party? What time is my flight? Will I make my connections on time?
Our society is completely obsessed with time. I find myself wondering what time is my time. Do I need to put it on the calendar? Of course the calendar is another time-keeper as well as our watches, bodies, cuckoo clocks and grandfather clocks. We can use Atomic time, Zulu time, or a Sun Dial.
Sometimes I drive myself over the edge trying to figure out what time it is somewhere else in the world where I have friends or family. There are currently 37 different local times in use worldwide. Local time must not be confused with time zones. Theoretically each one hour time zone is 15 degrees wide indicating a one hour difference in mean solar time. However the actual borders on the time zone map are drawn to correspond with internal and international borders and these seldom match up with the 15 degree borders. This does not take Daylight Savings or Summer Time into consideration.
If you are traveling from West to East your flight might leave at 6 pm and you arrive at your destination at 6 am – your flight is only 6 hours but your body will definitely think you travelled for 12 hours. This is Jet Lag.
There are times in my life I will never forget. Those are special memories and I remember the Day, the time and where I was in the world.
There are also those times in my life I wish I could forget, but they are forever etched in my mind with the day and time as well.
What’s the best time I’ve ever had? I don’t know if I can pick just one; can you? I know I did have a good time today. I know it wasn’t the best ever but it was a nice time with friends.
I do know time won’t come back to me; the good times I’ve had are stored in a box in my memories. You will seldom hear me say I wasted time; there is nothing I can ever do to get it back.
Timing is everything. If I’m in the right place at the right time it will work out just right. However, I’m not going to bet my lucky rock on everything falling into place or wish it away. My time has come but I know it’s not gone.
Make time for me. Don’t forget to put me on your calendar; watch your clock so you don’t miss me due to bad timing.
Make time and take time for what’s truly important. Set your priorities to do the right thing. Don’t put off until another time. You won’t be remembered for being the life of the party but you might make a difference by taking the time to read a book to your child or just listening. Make time to take time to make a difference.
What Makes Me Happy
When I was diagnosed with Cancer in February I was bombarded with a various assortment of paperwork everywhere I went. This included bills, appointments, referrals, pamphlets and lots of self help stuff.
From one of the self help books there is a page I’m supposed to fill out-what makes me happy. Does anyone ever really fill out all this stuff and answer all these self help questions? I do read all the self help suggestions so I’m wondering what really does make me happy.
It’s the little things daily that make me laugh and I suppose that’s what makes me happy.
I’ve had a belly laugh this evening over a Minty Fresh Yard! Yes! I purchased a small peppermint plant at the local vegetable stand solely because it smelled nice and the tag said it was easy to grow. I mentioned this to a more plant knowledgeable friend of mine. She went into a panic on text..told me I needed to re-pot into large pot and while doing so that I must be very careful. She said any Mint spillage would result in Mint all over my yard. You must keep all of this in perspective and realize that she probably removes all the weeds in her yard by hand. All the while I’m beginning to think that I might enjoy a Minty Fresh Yard. She explained the necessity again of not letting it spread and the steps to prevent this. I took her advice, thanked her profusely and stored this information with the intention of moving my plant at some time in the near future. I then shared this with my housemate (who also has Cancer) and she suggested we research it. We did discover this cute little (3) three inch plant will grow up to a height of 12-18 inches and spread quickly. We just looked at each other and busted out laughing. We could let it overtake all of our dandelions and various other strange things that are growing in the yard and it would smell fabulous. Little did my wise friend know how much joy she had brought us by sharing some simple plant advice.
It is the little things. It was that phone call yesterday from Vassar College on our way home from our Oncologist visits. He just called to see how our appointments had went. We shared our news and off he went.
It was that simple little good morning on messenger asking how I slept? It was laughing about the cat getting taller not wider. It’s about making plans for college graduation. It’s about watching a toddler forego his pancake and solely eat or attempt to eat syrup for dinner.
It’s not the new car in the driveway. It is the chocolate milkshake I decided I wanted on a whim. It’s not the Good Cancer I have (treatable). It is the phone calls from my nieces telling me outrageous but true stories. It’s not sitting here alone. It is sitting here by myself reading or writing. It’s not having a housemate with Cancer. It is having a housemate with Cancer that knows that scared to death feeling. It is the excitement of going somewhere new. It is the excitement of seeing an old friend. It is the colorful flowers everywhere and the beautiful weather.
Happiness could be a Minty Fresh Yard.
It’s Just Stuff
I surround myself with stuff. I look around and I have more stuff than I could possibly ever need. I am sure that I could put my hands on 11 ink pens,3 hammers, 5 flashlights (without batteries of course), 30 magazines that have the most interesting articles and I won’t even begin to count my books. I also have at least 20 watches! It’s all about time.
I could part with all the above except for the books. It seems as though my life always takes me back to a book. I look at a title and I remember the first time I read it and then I sometimes pick it up again in hopes of catching that same memory or thought.
I have recently given away more T-shirts than the local Dollar General carries in stock. I kept one from 1986! It is not just a T-shirt; it is a reminder of the first time I ran a Turkey Trot!
I have a box full of old VCR movies that I could probably sell, but when I think about parting with them I’m reminded of the Christmas Holidays when the Home Alone series was played over and over. But it’s not just stuff. It’s the reminder of the memories that keeps me from parting with my stuff.
No one who truly knows me would ever tell you that I’m materialistic; stuff is not what drives me. I just collect it.
I recall when my grandmother died – my mother was already deceased. My grandmother was my heart; my aunts asked me if there was a little something I would like of hers as they were loading up their treasures. I said if it was ok that I would like one of her cast iron skillets as she had always cooked for us – other than that I had no need for her stuff. I had all the memories that I would treasure forever. I still have the skillet and I think of her daily. She is still my heart. They got the stuff and I have the memories.
There was another time I’m reminded of stuff! I was in Charleston for Hurricane Hugo. After a very long and terrifying night of watching the water rock in the bathtub and praying for the morning it finally came. My last phone call before communication was lost that night was with one of my brothers and he was certain I was doomed. He didn’t know whether to be mad at me for being stuck there due to my Military commitment or to be sad that I really might not make it out. After we crawled out of the apartment at daylight someone walked by and said the bad news was that my brand new car was totaled. I said it was just stuff – it was definitely more important to be alive that morning surrounded by downed pine trees, rubble, no electricity and no water. A vehicle is just stuff. It was eventually replaced but I never gave it another thought.
My photos are reminders of good times, tough times and sad times. They are not just stuff. They are reminders of other times.
I know I have too much stuff but I like it! I’m not sure how I can possibly get all of my IMPORTANT stuff into a Tiny House so this eventually might present a problem.
For now I will continue to keep my priorities straight; whoever needs my stuff can have it but they can never take away my memories that are forever etched in my heart.
Escaping Southern Illinois One Page at a Time
I remember thoughts of what it would be like to see the ocean. I wanted to hear the waves pounding, feel the sea breeze and raise my arms to be sprayed by the mist. I had read numerous books that were centered around the sea. I also might add that my father was a Merchant Marine. I never realized the significance of that till much later in life. Another story for another day.
My books from school and the Public Library took me all over the world as a child; what the stories and novels provided me was the opportunity to escape my reality and imagine a life out of Southern Illinois. My passion for reading was the beginning of my first trip around the world. Little did I know as a child that it was the beginning of many more fascinating and real adventures.
I did see the ocean as a teenager! It was amazing. I saw nothing but blue water and it went on forever. I still remember the sounds of that evening and the smell and taste of the salt. My face was damp from the mist blowing in on the shore.
Standing on the shore that evening I knew there was a bigger and better world out there for me to discover. I couldn’t wait to get in the ocean. I couldn’t wait to be on the ocean and I could only imagine what was on the other side of the water.
I did join the Navy as a DP; that’s an IT in today’s technical world. My duty stations included Orlando FL, San Diego CA, Norfolk VA, Napoli Italia, Charleston SC, Guam USA, New Orleans LA, and Mayport FL.
Two (2) of those tours were on ships. I did a total of (7) seven years Sea Duty. While I was on Sea Duty I went through the Panama Canal and the Suez Canal. I crossed over the equator. I travelled to Columbia South America, Hawaii, Indonesia, Malaysia, Japan, South Korea, Hong Kong and Singapore. I also had port visits in the Bahamas, Barcelona, Malta, Dubai, Egypt and the Red Sea.
My last tour in the Navy was on an on a Navy Aircraft Carrier and completed completed my tour around the world. This included the Mideast Countries of Libya, Iraq, Kuwait, Bahrainand Iran.
My favorite tour was Shore Duty in Napoli Italy! Oh my – I found it all there. That’s another story that deserves its own page. However while there I travelled all over Italy, Germany, France, Switzerland and even Lichenstein! Oh my! What a life I lived. The best ever.
I chose to retire in SC. I return to Southern Illinois on occasion to visit my siblings and their families. I am close enough to the Ocean now that I can be on the shore as needed within (2) two hours. Since retiring I have returned to Europe visiting the Netherlands, Germany, France, Switzerland and of course returned to Italia. I have also visited Iceland and Ireland most recently.
This is my life. I still turn many a page in books – reading will always be a passion of mine. I love traveling! All of this from the child that escaped Southern Illinois through the love of books – one page at a time.
EVERY PAGE IS A JOURNEY AND THE JOURNEY ITSELF IS HOME