What is going home? I could be corny and say home is where your heart is, but that’s a little too cliche for me today.
I am returning to Illinois to visit with my siblings and their families for Christmas for the first time in 37 years. I have visited at other times including Thanksgiving over the years, but never Christmas.
I was born and raised there for all of my formative years with my 3 brothers and 1 sister. However, when I did leave Illinois I knew I would never return to live there again and I still know that.
I have waivered from that thought off and on since being diagnosed with Cancer. Family is a strong magnet.
However, defining what a family is would require a definition as well.
My other family that I consider mine is spread out from Africa to Afghanistan. Neither of those are viable travel destinations for the holidays so in one of my Hallmark moments I decided this would be the year I returned to Illinois where it all started.
Now as I sit here with only a few days left before I leave I find myself questioning my sanity and doubting this decision.
The last Christmas Tree I remember in Illinois is trashed across the front yard of the last house I called Home back there. My younger brother had taken it out of the house and threw it out with all the decorations on 31 December 1976.
This was the morning our mother passed away after a long hard fought battle with Cancer.
How do I go back? How do I fight off the darkness and the demons? The demons are my memories.
I have had so many wonderful memories since then that I thought they would overshadow the bad ones of many many years ago.
The good memories have taken over for so many years, so why not this one?
I do know why. This has been a year of so many changes.
I was diagnosed with Cancer.
Raleigh graduated from college and joined the Peace Corps and is now happily situated in a small village in Senegal Africa.
Cheryl is around the world in Kabul Afghanistan working at the largest Embassy in the World. She is safe on her compound and happy as well.
The house I currently live in has been home for 14 years, but now it’s time to make another home to call my own.
It’s time for my own change: home will be where the road or the ocean takes me.
I’m not sure where this be will be, but it will be mine.
I will go to Illinois for Christmas and I will enjoy visiting with my family.
The memories will come flooding back, but I am hoping that I can see my mother’s huge brown eyes and big smile. I have hope.
Perhaps I will also feel my grandmother’s touch.
These memories would negate the bad ones.
Either or both will make for a very Merry Christmas.
